I found this fabulous calendar on the Friday Favourites of an awesome blog I follow called This Is Meagan Kerr. If you’ve never checked out her blog, do! As a cat lover I loved this cool quirky cat calendar and I want it!
Cats can definitely be furry little destroyers. I remember my cat as a kitten attacking my legs every time I walked in the vicinity of where he was hiding by launching himself at me and grabbing on with his claws! It was not a pleasant phase and my lounge room curtains also got the brunt of his ferocious play, to this day we have tiny pinpricks of light shining through the holes on the odd day we close the curtains during the daylight hours!
But indeed, children can be equally destructive. If I could illustrate I could totally make one of these calendars. I would call it Child vs Parent: Things Children Will Destroy.
My calendar would go like this:
You plant it, they pull it back out. Then they usually stomp on it for good measure.
Bathing little kids is like turning on a front loader washing machine without closing the door.
Little boys (I can’t speak for girls since I don’t have any but I imagine them to be much the same) think the back of the bath is a slide to be slid down. They think the aim of bathtime is to see how much water you can get out of the bath and onto the bathroom floor before it’s time to get out. They think that we need a ‘shower’ while we supervise and love to splash to see how FAR the water can go. If it hits the wall on the other side of the bathroom it is extra points. If you end up soaked from head to toe then it is a gold medal.
This is their aim, to get mummy or daddy as wet as possible.
They have no ears while in the bath. And if they are not destroying your bathroom through flooding it, they are peeing on the floor, dragging toilet paper through the house or smearing liquid soap and toothpaste over your walls. Young children should never be left alone in a bathroom unattended even when fully clothed. Do NOT trust them. They are plotting against you.
You know how we, as smart, sophisticated, health conscious mums, like to hoard our chocolate so we can daintily eat one small square of it at a time to savour that sweet sugary chocolatey goodness spread over weeks, if not months? (Ha!).
Ok, let’s try that again.
You know how we always have an emergency stash of chocolate on hand to shove in our mouths when the kids are destroying our patience and we have had a really trying day (does that sound more realistic?). Well hide that chocolate really well, because your children will destroy your stash if they find it.
I had been given the most divine looking Easter egg that I was saving for that perfect moment to eat. It was a gold Lindt egg, pure Swiss luxury. One day I come down to the kitchen and the fridge is open and the 2 year old has chocolate all around his mouth and gold foil at his feet. My heart broke. He destroyed it. He ATE THE WHOLE LOT. Learn from my mistake. Hide that chocolate really well or you too could find your stash destroyed in seconds.
Do you remember what it used to be like, to go to bed when you wanted to and lie your head on that soft pillow before drifting off into a peaceful slumber and not opening your eyes again until the sun starts to peep through the curtains amid the chatter of birds?
Now I go to bed exhausted (usually way later than I should be, staying up simply for the pleasure of that extra alone time after the kids have finally gone to sleep) and then I usually end up with a nightly visitor intruder or two.
The nightly intruder can arrive anytime between 5 minutes after I go to bed to 5 hours after I go to bed, but they always arrive (except this one time that has been imprinted on my memory forever more where they stayed in their own beds ALL NIGHT. Yes, you read that right. ALL NIGHT IN THEIR OWN BEDS!).
At this point I have two options:
1. I put them back to their own bed, thus interrupting my own slumber and endure screaming crying for an hour. Usually this wakes the other child and creates more problems and we all end up awake for varying lengths of time.
2. I drag the intruder into my bed and have a restless sleep in between being kicked and battered and bruised by a child with restless legs (Cohen) or spend all night fighting for the blankets that keep getting kicked off (Finley). This option means I get to stay in bed and sleep (kind of).
Either way, my sleep is destroyed!
Please refer to April.
I like to think I had a pretty good memory prior to children but due to a lack of sleep and a general lack of recharge time for my poor brain to catch up with itself, my memory has become like a sieve with sand running through it.
Yesterday is sand. What I did on the weekend? Sand. That message you gave me to pass on to so and so? Sand. The time of birth of my second son? Sand. The model in the latest Woman’s Day magazine who looks familiar? Solid stone. That shit won’t go through the sieve, I recognise them instantly as a contestant in the 1992 Dolly modelling competition from 23 years ago.
But to get something out of the freezer for dinner tonight? Sand.
You can see I have my priorities in order. Children destroy your memory but only the memories that actually contribute to the running of your life right now, not that useless piece of information lingering in your long term memory. Oh no no no, of course you only remember that the guy you saw on TV last night was in some obscure 90’s movie and all the names of the characters of Dawson’s Creek (go on, you still know them don’t you?!).
I envy those pictures of big beautiful houses with gorgeous furniture, I really do. One day I’ll have a lovely furnished home too but for now I will make do with the old and the second hand. Hands up who’s table has some sort of utensil gouge in it? A rip in the sofa or stain of some description? A scratched to buggery coffee table? If you don’t and you had those items through the baby/toddler/pre-school years then you should consider yourself truly blessed! Trust me. Blessed.
As fast as you can tidy up, children will destroy all your hard work. You’ve finally finished folding that last load of washing and you’re looking forward to a well deserved cup of coffee … they’ll come along in the 2 seconds your back was turned and sweep it onto the floor, gleefully unfolding every last item of clothing, they will do this in the guise of ‘helping’ you.
You’ll vacuum as they follow along behind you dropping cookie crumbs like they’re the lead star in some Hansel and Gretal production. They’ll play hide and seek in your freshly made bed, unpack your kitchen cupboards, move items between rooms and spread Lego everywhere. In my opinion, Lego needs it’s own safe to live in and should never be easily accessible.
And please refer to January for an example of how your bathroom will be destroyed by water, urine, toothpaste and liquid soap (thankfully not all together although I wouldn’t put it past them to get that creative!).
Ah, it’s been a long day, the kids are in bed and it’s time to relax at long last!
‘Mummy, I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is that the big comet is going to come down from the sky and hit the earth and break it into 12 million pieces! The good news is the Uffy is asleep and so I can hang out with you!’
Even when you think they are asleep, chances are they will sneak back out to destroy your peace and quiet. There is no such thing as peace and quiet in your world anymore. You love peace, quiet and solitude? You’re fucked. Children do not do quiet. Peace and quiet is a foreign concept for children. You think you’ll at least get some while sitting on the toilet? Not a chance! Those days? GONE. You will hear ‘Mum! Mummy! Where are you? Mummy? MUMMY!’ over and over and over and over and over again. FOREVER AND EVER.
Have you ever found yourself rocking in a corner with your hands over your ears to block out the screaming? Not yet? It will happen! It will happen. You will be experiencing moments of deliria before you know it!
Children grow so fast! Therefore they are always needing new stuff.
They need food and books and toys and food and school fees and bikes and food and new shoes and food and clothes and food.
They need Christmas presents and birthday presents and Easter eggs and Easter presents and birthday parties and personalised Christmas stockings to put the presents in and entertainment and Halloween outfits and holidays and food and *cough* Zooming Dino’s (I’m such a soft touch!).
On the other hand, you will need alcohol and chocolate. I recommend starting that wine fund early, $20 a day week should cover it. And a coffee fund, oh dear lord, a coffee fund!
My mum used to let my sister and I decorate the Christmas tree and then overnight our mess would magically be turned into a thing of beauty. Even if you do this too (it’s ok, you can admit it! You’re in good company!) it does not mean the tree will stay that way.
This is where cats and children become one – they both love to destroy the Christmas tree!
How many of these can you relate to?
Linking up with #IBOT @ Essentially Jess
You can follow Maybe Baby Brothers on Facebook by clicking here. Thanks for stopping by!
Your sanity. Def your sanity….
Lydia C. Lee recently posted…First of the Month Fiction – December
Yes indeed!
Oh god, so much yes! My girlfriend had beautiful glass baubles made for each of our 3 big kids and hubby & I with our names on. When my 3 year old came along, she had one made for her. Her second Christmas, aged 15 months, she pulled the tree over and smashed 3 of them 🙁
Amy @ HandbagMafia recently posted…Abortion: Past and Present
Glass Christmas tree decorations … Eek! What a shame! Did you manage to get another one for hanging later on down the track when they’re older?
LOL. Yep!
Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit recently posted…Day 2231 – Second hand smoke
Love this post. It’s all so true! So, very, very true. Thanks for the entertaining read.
Thanks Celeste! And thank you for popping over and having a read! I’ll repay the favour tonight 🙂
Hell yes, girls are the same. My two use the sides as a slide too. We have a really deep bath with plenty of splashage potential 🙂 Love this post – especially the memory part 🙂
Renee recently posted…All I want for Christmas
Thanks Renee! The clean up’s a bitch though huh!
Girls are the same in the bath, I have two of each and my bathroom is always covered in water and not just where it is supposed to be.
sarah recently posted…When your pregnancy isn’t really a beautiful thing – my experience with HG in pregnancy.
I totally figured they would be! At the core of it boys and girls are pretty much the same as little children!
Haha! Yes to them all! Especially the sanity. lol
JodiGibson (@JFGibsonWriter) recently posted…Lessons from 2015 Part 3: Embracing Fear
Have you been doing some corner rocking lately Jodi? 😉
I’m laughing at this because otherwise we’d likely cry. 😀
Malinda @mybrownpaperpackages recently posted…One step back, Two steps forward
Oh and of course I got you for #TeamIBOT too!
Malinda @mybrownpaperpackages recently posted…One step back, Two steps forward
Hehe, that’s what I figure Malinda!
Oh yeah! I can relate to this. Especially the memory month. My memory is mush. Pure mush. Funny post Haidee 🙂
Kelly recently posted…THE THINGS HE SAYS
Memory month? Is there a memory month?! There so should be a memory month! 😉 Thanks Kelly!
It must be October because my sanity is being destroyed right now! Thankfully I have never had a Christmas Tree destroyed (although, I probably shouldn’t say that, having a baby and all – there’s still plenty of time).
Becky from BeckyandJames recently posted…4 reasons I’m thinking of taking up drinking wine
Um, it’s November! Haha. Memory loss: TICK! 😂
Perfect!!! You absolutely nailed it! And I can confirm that girls are exactly the same when it comes to baths, seriously, the water is meant to be IN the tub, not on the floor or in your belly (as they always insist on drinking it!!! Eeeeewwww!!!).
Kylie Purtell – A Study in Contradictions recently posted…Four Things I’ve Learned about Parenting {In Four Years}| Parenting
Mine drink it too!!! And I’m pretty sure my 2 year old still occasionally pees in it! Ugh!!
Haha yes. This is my life!
Sanity is a yes.. ruin your body is a must… destroy your mind is a given.. break your heart is a certainty… But I love every minute (or almost) of it
Natalie @ our parallel connection recently posted…Breaking the silence in schools
Me too Natalie, I wouldn’t change it for the world! 🙂
Girls are the definitely the same 🙂 my 1 year old loves kicking her legs in the bath for maximum splashage lol Great post, I needed a giggle today 🙂
lu @ looking for mama me recently posted…8 ways how Bunnings is better than any playground!
Water babies huh! Glad to provide some laughs Lu 🙂
Oh my god, this is all utterly brilliant, but HAHHAHHAHAHHAHA MAY!!!!
So much May.
Hugzilla recently posted…Do The Thing That Makes You Special…And Don’t Fucking Apologise
So much May as in you are getting so much of it or so little? Haha 😉
My 4 year old daughter thinks the back of the bath is a slide too! Glad it’s not just my family 🙂
Marissa Roberts recently posted…5 small ways to begin simplifying your life
Nope, not just yours!
Oh I can relate to them all, though as my young man is getting older some of my life is returning to normal (but not all). I miss having showers ALONE without some coming to ask for more food, that drops on the clean floor.
Haha, yes, the showering alone thing is a tricky conquest!
I can definitely see a market for this calendar! I think you need to make it before someone steals your idea!
EssentiallyJess recently posted…Dear Santa, It’s me Jess. #IBOT
If only I could draw Jess! I might need to advertise for an illustrator! Haha.
Ahahaha OMG babe this is GOLD!!! And so so relateable – well done xx
Meagan Kerr recently posted…Review: Dermalogica Hydrablur Primer
Thanks Meagan! So glad you enjoyed it and thanks again for the idea!
Love this! I can relate to so many of these. Especially sleep, peace and quiet and the bathroom! #sharewithme
Fatima @ Baby Toddler Me recently posted…Podcast 002: How And Why To Play With Your Children With Dr. Amanda Gummer
Yep, seems to be some universal destruction going on where small children are concerned!
Haidee recently posted…Child vs Parent: Things Children Will Destroy
Ha! Yes I totally get this! Although my boys are older now they still seem to have a knack for these things! 🙂
#sharewithme
Morgan Prince recently posted…Thoughts on Blogfest ’15
Oh god, so they don’t grow out of it?! You just shattered my dreams! 😉
Oh, sorry about that! 😉
Morgan Prince recently posted…Thoughts on Blogfest ’15
Hahaha!! So funny and dead on! Kids, the destroyers of everything.
#sharewithme
Indeed!
Hi Haidee, I think your idea for this calendar is brilliant, although it may put presently childless couples off ever starting a family of their own. Having two teenage children, I can look back ( with a sense of warmth coupled with relief that those days are sooo far behind me now) and relate to everything you’ve written.
The chocolate stash is an essential part of surviving as a Mum, mine never found it, although now my daughter takes after me and has a nose like a bloodhound when it comes to sniffing out chocolate (which explains the coffee grounds!).
Baby brain is still something that affects me, I can’t remember a thing (I keep having to scroll back to your post to remember what I was going to comment on, it’s that bad!). And as for peace, quiet and sanity? What are they?
Fun post and I think you could be onto a winner, just got to practice your drawing!
xx
Debbie recently posted…Hip Dysplasia In Dogs; Delaying The Inevitable
Haha, hopefully they can see through it to the lovingly laughed about antics that it was meant to be 🙂 Lucky you having got through unscathed on the chocolate front! What was your secret?!
I can relate to ALL of these. I take comfort in the fact that I am not alone, especially the hoovering vs. biscuit crumb situation you identified. Why do I spend my precious ‘me’ time when the kids are at pre-school tidying just so they can wreck it the instant they come home? Why? #brilliantblogposts
Why indeed! I feel ya on that, I really do.
I got lots of laughs out of this, the biggest being for the metaphor of bathing being like turning on a front loader without shutting the door! Brilliantly funny and true.
Robyn recently posted…A MOMENT’S PEACE
It so is thought right?! 🙂
Lol. Nodding my head here. I’m mostly dark about the chocolate stash and sex life one!
Vicki @ Knocked Up and Abroad recently posted…Living Busy
My youngest LOVES chocolate! It’s always being stolen, I literally have to hide to eat it! I had to wait up until 9.15pm the other night just to eat a chocolate Trumpet ice-cream because he kept sneaking in the lounge to see us and I didn’t want to share!
As a mother to 4 girls, I can vouch that they absolutely destroy a bathroom!! It gets worse as they get older! Hair straighteners, make up everywhere, foundation stains on my nice white basin (well it used to be), tampon wrappers that didn’t quite make it to the bin, nobody ever replaces the toilet roll, showers left dripping, I never have any conditioner, someone insists on using my razor and my towel……. rant over…….lol
Mandy, Barbie Bieber and Beyond recently posted…What Did You Achieve Today? #lookwhatiachieved
Hahaha, oh dear! My husband has stolen my razor a few times for his face because mine are a better brand and that is annoying in itself! 4 daughters stealing your stuff, oh lordy! LOL
Haha, yes to all of them but especially the sanity bit! Love those pictures of the laundry basket!
Zoe Meunier recently posted…Cracking Christmas hacks
Cute aye! He did them on demand for me! Haha. It didn’t take much convincing.
Definitely August and although my son has more showers than baths, I really really miss having a nice hot and relaxing shower alone!
Eva @ The Multitasking Woman recently posted…Fruit Salad & Meringue Waffle Cones
Don’t we all! My youngest has decided he has to sit in the bathroom for my showers now, on the stool that I sit on when he has a bath! He sits there and just repeats himself ‘All done now mummy? All done in the shower? All finished?’. So NOT relaxing! Haha.
Haidee recently posted…A Birthday Letter To My Littlest Man
Perfect! All of these are my life. Except for the chocolate stash, the kid’s not getting his hands on that. I keep the key in my bra.
Charlene recently posted…The 9 things that are pants about bottle feeding
Haha, you sound like you’re more onto it than me! The fridge was NOT a good hiding place, I should hardly be surprised my chocolate got slaughtered!
Haidee recently posted…The Truth About Gender Disappointment
You need to make this calendar! I bet it would sell like hotcakes. I can totally relate to the staying up later than you should just to enjoy your alone time. Even if you know your kid is going to be up in 5 hours. Ugh. Sometimes I don’t know if it’s worth it. Great post!
Melanie recently posted…Save Face with Charcoal?
I did a late night last night too, writing a new post and watching Survivor! I didn’t want to go to bed but I knew I would regret it in the morning (hello coffee!)
Haidee recently posted…A Birthday Letter To My Littlest Man
Oh this is hilarious and yet sooo sooo true. They are like animals hahaha 🙂 So worth it but I am constantly saying my children are destroying my house. Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me. #sharewithme
Jenny recently posted…Me & Mine {November}
Thanks Jenny and thanks for featuring this post at your link up! 😀
Haidee recently posted…A Birthday Letter To My Littlest Man