To be completely honest I never gave too much thought to the fact I didn’t know who my biological father was.
The thought would certainly fleet through now and again in the recess of my mind but most of the time it didn’t occupy much space and I could go years without even thinking about it at all.
The fact that you live overseas and you don’t know I exist has always made the challenge of trying to find you just too hard. My mum told me a name once. Literally. I asked and she cried and I never asked again because I was too scared to upset her. I’m not sure why she cried. If she was overwhelmed by the question or whether it was a painful memory. It was always shrouded in such secrecy that I never knew quite what to think.
Did you know she never told anyone who you were? Not her mum, sisters or best friend.
She came home to New Zealand at the tender age of 20, pregnant and alone. I can certainly understand how that would have been embarrassing for someone who was as proud as my mother was, who left with such big dreams of the life she was going to lead and then had that vision turned completely upside down.
The one piece of information I garnered from her was a name: James Maxwell. And that he was English. And the bus driver on the tour she was on.
Is that you?
She says she never told you as by the time she found out she was too far along and it was too hard to try and track you down.
I wondered in later years if that was true or she was trying to protect me from the knowledge that you weren’t interested in being a father. A young Kiwi woman on a working holiday back in 1981, I imagine young unwed mothers were not quite as accepted as they are today. Perhaps it was all just too hard. Or perhaps she really didn’t tell you, the way she never told anyone else.
I tend to believe the latter.
I spent today scouring old albums in search of a clue. They were old scrapbooks that she had painstakingly put together with cut out letters from magazines to spell the names of the places she had visited on her travels. She was young and ambitious and just bursting to break free of New Zealand and experience the world, chasing her dreams and passions of life in the big city of London.
I couldn’t tell from the albums anything but the fact that in the time period I was conceived she was likely on a Contiki tour through Scandinavia. Was this the tour you were a bus driver for? This was in May/June of 1981.
The albums are now falling apart, the scrapbook itself held steady but the photos and postcards are all falling out as the double-sided tape no longer has a hold to keep them in place. Some of the photos have things written on the back but nothing that was of any use to me. I find myself frustrated that she didn’t just tell me the truth before she died. She kept it a secret all her life and took that secret to her grave. Why?
33 years later I have finally decided it is time to try and find you. To piece together the story. Who are you? What nationality are you? What is my heritage? Do I have any half siblings out there? Did you know about me? Are you really my father or is it someone else entirely? Perhaps this name is even made up!
Today sitting in my dining room with the broken down albums and a letter all I had to go by, I questioned my memory and what I know. It’s so little to go on. Do I even remember the name correctly or has it warped with time? I’m pretty sure it’s correct but other tidbits of information I have learnt over the years could not be corroborated in the written word. I thought I learnt them in a diary but perhaps it’s some figment of my imagination or a long forgotten memory of a conversation that has grown withered with time until I can’t quite figure out where it came from.
I will begin my search today.
I don’t have high hopes but I feel like I am being urged to try, some kind of instinctual feeling I can’t explain.
So far I have spoken to a number of people and the story just becomes more sordid and complicated!
From what I have learnt I am inclined to believe that she wasn’t entirely sure which of her suitors at the time was the father. I believe she told one man, Per was his name, that I was his before retracting and saying she wasn’t sure and releasing him from any responsibility. Was THAT you? It would certainly explain the blue eyes my boys have, perhaps some throwback to the Swedish ancestry I don’t even know I have.
Or were you the Englishman she told me, James … or neither. Perhaps there was someone else she met on some sultry evening in the haze of romance and the sights of Scandinavia. She was certainly beautiful enough to catch many a mans eye.
How do you search for someone when you don’t know who to search for or even where to start?
I guess the best place to begin would be to trust. Trust that even though I was just a young girl at the time, that she was truthful in the name that she told me. That having seen me grow and develop into the child I turned out to be, she had seen something in me that gave her the confidence to name you as the father.
James Maxwell.
I will start there.
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At the end of this story I asked for some help on social media to track him down and my post on Facebook was shared over 300 times and seen by 34,000 people all over the world! Thank you so much for all your help! Click here to read an update on what happened …
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To read more like this, follow me on Facebook by clicking here!
Wow – good luck!!
Lydia C. Lee recently posted…The Little Prince – Suburban Adventures
That went too quick. That’s a huge mission (emotionally, mentally) and very generous to share here. Will pass on the FB link. I hope you find success, whatever that may be. Will be thinking of you.
Lydia C. Lee recently posted…The Little Prince – Suburban Adventures
Thank you Lydia 🙂
Biggest hugs. I think trust is a wonderful way to look at it and that you trust that nibble telling you to look. Maybe that niggle is connected to something bigger out there. Good luck xxx
Deb @ inner compass designs recently posted…A to Z of intentional living – T is for …
It’s really the first time I have had a niggle of any kind so maybe the Universe is trying to tell me something!
Wow, that is really intense! I can’t imagine how surreal that must feel, and I wish you all the best of luck in your search. The silver lining for you is that the internet makes us all so much more connected, and hopefully this will lead to answers for you. I will share the FB post for you too x
No better time to try really! Thanks!
There is a great group on Facebook called “Reconnect. Free”
Lots of hard working people dedicating their time to finding others lost a ones.
All the best for your search x x
Good luck with your search! 🙂
WOW! I would start by contacting Contiki. They’re bound to have records of who was working for them and if you have the dates, you’ve something to go by.
Good luck!
Jody at Six Little Hearts recently posted…The Good Guys Super Hero Academy, Circus Oz Teaching Circus Skills to Kids Across Australia!
They won’t tell me anything due to confidentiality Jody unfortunately!
You are incredibly brave to write, and share this – I hope you get the answers you are searching for.
Emma @ Life, kids and a glass of red recently posted…Before they grow stubble, I want them to know this
I have shared on my personal FB profile as I have dual nationality and family who would have been in that area at the time most likely. Good luck! I used to do family history research for work and it’s hard going without many details. Patience 🙂
Vanessa recently posted…Why I Have Given Up On Higher Education (For Now)
Thank you so much Vanessa. I have been patient for 33 years, I think I can give it some more 🙂
I know what it’s like to grow up without a father {because he died when I was young}, but I can’t imagine not knowing who he was completely. I’ve got some family in England so I’ll share the facebook post. P.S. I was conceived on a Contiki tour too.
Toni @ Finding Myself Young recently posted…Mummy Must Have Review | smarTrike® Explorer 5 trikes in 1
Oh how funny Toni! We could start our own Facebook Group! Haha. Sorry to hear about your dads death, the loss of a parent is a difficult journey. xx
I wish you the best of luck. My mum recently found her biological father and is slowly getting to know him. It’s all a bit surreal at the moment.
Tegan recently posted…Self harm, guilt and parenting
It would be Tegan! Great to hear a success story 🙂
Hi Haidee,
I hope you find your dad! Good work for making a start!
Erin
Oh good LUCK!!! I hope you find him. I will definitely share for you xx
Rachel @ The Mama Files recently posted…Father’s Day warm fuzzies (we love you, Mr Chick).
Wow! Scary and exciting. I guess you have a starting point – name and timeframe. I wonder if Contiki have records (of staff) going back that far? If it wasn’t the driver / someone working for the company they may have photos or info which could help in your search.
Good luck!
Deborah recently posted…The secret to weight loss
They do I think but they refuse to tell me anything so that avenue is not one I can venture down. This is just the beginning though, I will do more searching as new avenues come to light!
This is HUGE! I’m sending big hugs and lots of hope that this beginning ends with answers and a father you can grow to know and love – will share now xx
Josefa @always Josefa recently posted…All Quiet
It is huge I guess, I think I knew it was huge but seeing HUGE in capitals makes it feel even bigger! Haha. Thanks!
Well done Haidee! You wrote this so well, especially with being so nervous and all. I really hope something comes of this post, and you can find out some more answers. Good luck. xo
Kelly recently posted…HOW TO TOILET TRAIN WITH CEREAL
Thanks Kelly! The nerves are still there but easing a little …
Haidee I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’ll share the FB post too 🙂 xx
Mumma McD recently posted…A day in the life of a toddler
I can’t imagine how hard that was for you to write Haidee but you did it beautifully. I hope something comes of it. I hope it ends up being an amazing story. x
EssentiallyJess recently posted…The 10 000 Word Program #IBOT
Thanks Jess, we’ll see what happens!
Wishing you all the best in your search lovely. Hope you find some answers. Leaving some fairy wishes and butterfly kisses from #teamIBOT
Rhianna recently posted…A day at the beach
Have shared the fb post for you. I hope you find him xxx
Amy @ HandbagMafia recently posted…Toddlers in Wonderland
Good on you for being brave enough to take the leap and start looking. I hope you find some answers. Have you contacted Contiki to ask for info?
Malinda @mybrownpaperpackages recently posted…Dragged to the Ground in Siem Reap
I have contacted them Malinda and they told me they could not give me any information of that nature whatsoever (in no uncertain terms!) so that is a dead end.
Thank you to everyone who has left me some beautiful messages of support and shared! So appreciative. xx
I just had to comment to say wow, I am so impressed with how you wrote this post and the story that you have shared. All the best and I hope you find some answers xx
Thank you Sally! I thought long and hard about what approach to take, it’s a hard one to articulate!
What a story! Wishing you all the luck in the world. I really hope you find him or at least get some answers which will help you on your journey.
Well done for sharing something so personal too! Keep us posted? xxx
Katie / Pouting In Heels recently posted…A LESSON IN HOW TO ‘FEEL GOOD’ FROM MY DAUGHTER
Thanks Katie! And thanks for encouraging me to write it 🙂
Wow Haidee. Beautifully written and I hope you find him! I’ll share the fbook post. xx
shannon @my2morrows recently posted…Too Busy Sleeping
Good luck on your search sweetie, I hope you find what your looking for. My cousin had a baby boy three years a go and no one in our family, including her parents or sister know who the father is. I only hope that when the time comes she will tell her little boy who his daddy is. Best wishes xx
I guess my mum always planned to tell me when I was an adult but that time just never eventuated sadly.
Thinking of you – such a big, brave mission you are on. I’m so sorry that your mother never told you more while she had the chance. We will likely never know our children’s biological parents in China and I worry about the loss they will feel – I really don’t know where we would begin in searching, but we will cross that bridge in the future. I’m sure you held your partner and boys extra close on Father’s Day grateful that your boys will grow up knowing their Dad. X
Kathy recently posted…Adventures for the soul traveller
Yes Kathy, it is extra hard when you have no idea where to look or what to look for. I’m not super invested in it, interested yes but it’s not consuming me. I hope your kids will feel the same, they may not even be interested in finding them so I would just cross that bridge later as you said.
Ahh Haidee! This post is something pretty special. You’re a brave woman. I pray to God that you get some leads and some answers. I have quite a few English friends and I have shared your FB post. Good luck xx
Renee recently posted…Dream chaser
Thank you Renee! Any help appreciated 🙂
I can’t imagine how emotional you feel right now, but good luck with it all. x
JF Gibson @jfgibsonwriter recently posted…What did you read as a kid?
Strangely Jodi not much! I don’t have a whole lot of emotion invested, just curiosity. I guess when you don’t know something you don’t feel too emotional about it.
Good luck with your quest! My mum took many secrets to her grave too; it’s just a tad frustrating x
Janet aka Middle Aged Mama recently posted…Close Encounter with a Koala
It really is isn’t it Janet! I have a blog post in the works about what I wish mum had told me before she died. Most of them are how to cook certain meals I loved! Haha.
Good Luck with your search. It’s a weird feeling when you don’t know where part of you is.
I have two parents, alive, who are not present in my life. It’s weird, having kids and feeling so connected to them, yet my parents I am so separate from. I spoke to my Father for the first time in 19 years a couple of months ago. I have no idea what to do now. I was curious and the curiosity is gone, but the emptiness is still there. My mum lives a few suburbs away, she hasn’t met my 21 month old son.
I hope you find what you need. Hugs. Zoe xx
Zoe | A Quirky Bird recently posted…Testosterone Treatment And My Teenage Angst
I have read your story on your blog Zoe and feel for you, I commented on it at the time. Hugs to you lovely lady! Take it one day at a time and fill the emptiness with people who love you for you. xx
Big hugs to you for the courage to have written and shared this post! Best of luck with your search! Visiting from #wineandboobs
Jennifer recently posted…How adopting our kids (effectively) got us kicked out of our congregation
Good luck with your search, I really do hope you find him 🙂 #wineandboobs
Debbie
Random Musings recently posted…Gender Roles In Relationships
Oh wow, you are so brave and if I was in your position I would want to start searching too. Honoured you linked up to #brilliantblogposts with this, thank you and I hope you find your Dad x
Thanks Vicki!
That is some story. Very best of luck with your search. I hope for a happy ending. #BrilliantBlogPosts
JOhn Adams recently posted…Fantastic Services; back again to clean up the mess
Sorry for not replying to all individually with thank you’s but here is a collective thank you to everyone who offered well wishes and shared!
Haidee recently posted…The Weekly Sum Up (#3)
My heart melts when I read your article, Haidee. I know it’s not that easy to live without a father especially when you’re a girl. I am very close to my father rather than my mom (but of course, I love them both). But don’t give up! I know you will find him. Just have faith and continue to work it out. We’ll help you share this link on FB. God bless you!
Wow, what an incredibly hard journey you’re planning – I do hope you’re fruitful in your search
Alice Megan recently posted…Rattle Me Bones review and competition
What a challenge. Good luck.
Pen recently posted…Family law is an ass
I will totally share this for you on my Facebook. I come from the UK and also grew up without a dad. My mum told me who he was and there were some photos but he never wanted anything to do with me. He was also overseas and I met him when I was older but it was such a disappointment. But you know, I don’t regret that heartache for a minute because it gave me closure. It was like an important part of my life with loose ends that needed to be tied up. It was my choice to say thanks, but no thanks. I wish you luck on your search and really hope you find what you’re looking for! xx
Sammie @ The Annoyed Thyroid recently posted…The Ultimate Rabbit Hole #35
Such an amazing story! I really hope you get some news soon 🙂 This is only the start of what will probably be an incredible journey!
lu @looking for mama me recently posted…Baby Food Inspiration : Super Simple Sugarless Banana Cake
Such a beautifully written post. That niggle is there for a reason, maybe now really is the time for it all to fall in to place for you. I wish you luck and love. Sandra Xx
Tried to share the FB post but there’s no share button… #wineandboobs
Ooh and I meant to say you’re the only post I feel like sharing from #wineandboobs 5th sept but as you don’t want this actual post sharing I shan’t. Just thought you might like to know it’s one of the ones that caught my eye.
Absolutely Prabulous recently posted…13 Confessions of A Housewife
You’re more than welcome to share 🙂 And thank you!
Good luck to you hun, I really hope you find some clues. It is a brave post to have written.
I’d like to ask your permission to share this post on my blog on Sunday, I do a weekly #WhatIRead post and would love to get the word out for you. You’d be included with five other bloggers. If you’d prefer I didn’t, that’s not a problem.
I live in the UK, have shared your facebook post, and will do all I can to get the word out there for you. xx
#BrilliantBlogPosts
Morgan Prince recently posted…What’s So Great About Florida Anyway?
Absolutely Morgan, thank you!
All I can say is that it is amazing you reached out and had the success you had to gain some closure. Is there a third part to the story? Already it is a beautiful testament to family ties.